In case you aren’t familiar with Burning Man, it is a big hippie party in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada that gets bigger every year. But it’s not just another electronic music party. It’s a gathering of young neo-hippies to celebrate their neo-hippie-ness, indoctrinate newcomers, redistribute wealth from rich hippies to poor hippies (or, in the case of the festival’s organizing corporation, transfer wealth from rich hippies to richer hippies) and, most importantly, spread hippie knowledge with special classes and seminars such as:
-How to be a total flake
-Fiscal insolvency for beginners
-How to weasel out of social responsibility
-How to couch surf among your yuppie larva friends from high school, who now have better jobs than you, because they actually went to college
-How to have fake relationships with computer nerds for purely financial purposes, and lead men on, knowing you have no intention of sleeping with them whatsoever
-How to rip off strangers on drug deals
-How to pretend you are anti-drug even when you are hopelessly dependent upon both using and selling drugs
-How to look down on drug dealers/growers even though you depend upon their wares
-How to deny reality and live in a fantasy world
-How to reconcile socialist ideology with an exploitative lifestyle
-How to be anti-establishment and authoritarian communist at the same time
-How to cock-block the hottest girls in your clique
-How to convince outsiders and newbs to hook up with the fat ugly girls in your clique that nobody wants
-How to convince outsiders that it’s not a clique and anyone can participate
-How to fleece the newbs of this hippie fraternity by getting them to “pay their dues”
-How to use the social power of the group to oppress, exploit, and exclude the individual
-How to seem down-to-earth when you are actually snooty, stuck up, and classist
-How to sleep with all of your boyfriend’s acquaintances without him noticing
-How to avoid confrontation with people whom you have ripped off on drugs or slept with their significant others
-How to preach independence and self-sufficiency even as you sponge off Mommy and Daddy’s money well into your 30’s
-How to preach austerity and asceticism even as you live a decadent, debaucherous lifestyle
-How to make someone feel included when they have something that you want
-How to abandon your friends when they run out of cash or get busted
-How to use communist ideology to rationalize demanding help from your community, while at the same time using libertarian lassiez-faire ideology to rationalize denying help to others in your community.
-How to stop victim-blaming women and start victim-blaming men
-How to sell sexual favors and yet still deny you are a prostitute by calling it “bartering”
-How to cock-block your exes with behind-the-back shit talk even as you get around like crazy
-How to cry ‘rape’ to authorities when you regret last night’s drug-fueled sluttiness
-How to rat out the biggest drug dealers in the state because you got busted with $5 worth of pot
-How to completely compromise your values for the sake of popularity
-Making the novel ‘A Brave New World’ by Aldous Huxley a reality: a practical guide
-Stationary hustling vs gypsy con-artistry: What kind of grifting is right for you?
-How to have a meth orgy without slumming
-How to get busted by blatantly driving around high as fuck and looking like a stereotypical drug freak
-How to ensure that recreational drugs will never be legalized by making recreational drug users in general look bad.
-How to deliberately ignore anyone who disagrees with or offends you, and yet still think of yourself as open-minded and tolerant
There are many who believe that this parasitic herd of trustifarians is a pestilence on our land, and Burning Man is the nerve center of this swarming hive, where they network and plan all of their cons and moochery. Hence, it is suggested that, while they are all gathered together in one place, we should use some kind of Satellite-mounted, Low-Orbit Ion Cannon (like the one from the movie Real Genius) to eliminate them all at once. While immolating an entire festival attended by tens of thousands may seem extreme to some, I’ve compiled a compelling list of reasons why all the Burners should die a horrible, molten death, in a public works project I have dubbed ‘Operation Patchouli’:
1. From space, it looks like a giant target:
2. At a party called Burning Man, wouldn’t it be cool if everyone were on fire?
3. Since Burning Man is in the desert, the intense heat of an Ion Cannon’s blast against the sand would create a smooth sheet of glass that could then be used for arts and crafts.
4. The concentration of BO particles in North America’s air supply would go down by at least 100,000 PPM.
5. The percentage of Americans infected with herpes would go down by 60%.
6. The initials ‘B.M.’ also stand for ‘Bowel Movement‘. Doesn’t that sound terrible?
7. Nearly ALL of the welfare recipients who refused to join the Army could be removed right off the welfare department’s computer database.
8. Even if Christianity turned out to be wrong, we could still fulfill all the prophecies of Revelations by sending all the Babylonian Godless heathen fornicators to a fiery torture where they belong.
9. With all the fake Bro-Step DJ ‘musicians’ gone, clubs could start booking real music again. Like, with instruments and live performances.
10. The percentage of people who still have a soul would go up 3% in the US alone.
12. It would end the fashion trend of wearing goggles and rugged leather gear in situations where they are completely unnecessary.
13. It would eliminate the entire world’s supply of Methalone and 25i-NBOME, so all the product sold as ‘ecstasy’ in the US might actually have a chance of being REAL MDMA, and all the product sold as ‘acid’ might actually have a chance of being REAL LSD.
14. Once all the fake liberal decadent freeloaders were eliminated, a utopian socialist world government might actually be possible.
15. It would eliminate most of the people who have turned the Flower of Life into a fashion statement without truly comprehending its meaning, while leaving in tact the vast majority of older, real hippies who actually know what the symbol means and see no need to emblazon it on a $100 hoodie:
16. Only the real Yogis would be left, and all the yoga-poseurs who are only into yoga for the pussy would be eliminated in the blaze.
17. Republicans would no longer have a million bad examples of liberals to use in arguments against liberal ideology.
18. Your wife would be safe from all the swinging hippie dicks on welfare who try to bang her while you are working to pay the bills.
19. The percentage of people who can think independently as opposed to being mindless slaves to trends and groupthink would go up 7%.
20. The demand for oil and other petroleum-based fuel would go down 5% nationwide, thanks to the elimination of hippie-crits, who drive massive convoys in order to set up elaborate camps at Burning Man every year, thus burning millions of barrels of oil for the occasion.
21. There would be no more babies conceived with names like “Moon Unit”, “Shaman”, and “Star Child”.
22. Feminists would lose their most radical, socially over-privileged, power-mad factions, and feminism could become about equality, and not dominance, once again.
23. The national population of pretentious hipsters would be significantly reduced.
24. The only Bike People left would be the real cyclists, and not the kind of annoying douches who ironically ride unicycles and fixies, even in cities like San Francisco and Austin, where hilly terrain makes this totally impractical, and yet still a brainless fashion.
25. Because we have a frickin’ SPACE LASER, and the best they can muster is some kind of steampunk-y catapult.
Have fun on the Playa! Until you are incinerated suddenly, and without warning.