Why we should Annihilate Burning Man with a Space Laser


We probably won't, but we totally should...

We probably won’t, but we totally should…

In case you aren’t familiar with Burning Man, it is a big hippie party in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada that gets bigger every year.  But it’s not just another electronic music party.  It’s a gathering of young neo-hippies to celebrate their neo-hippie-ness, indoctrinate newcomers, redistribute wealth from rich hippies to poor hippies (or, in the case of the festival’s organizing corporation, transfer wealth from rich hippies to richer hippies) and, most importantly, spread hippie knowledge with special classes and seminars such as:


-How to be a total flake

-Fiscal insolvency for beginners

-How to weasel out of social responsibility

-How to couch surf among your yuppie larva friends from high school, who now have better jobs than you, because they actually went to college

-How to have fake relationships with computer nerds for purely financial purposes, and lead men on, knowing you have no intention of sleeping with them whatsoever

-How to rip off strangers on drug deals

-How to pretend you are anti-drug even when you are hopelessly dependent upon both using and selling drugs

-How to look down on drug dealers/growers even though you depend upon their wares

-How to deny reality and live in a fantasy world

-How to reconcile socialist ideology with an exploitative lifestyle

-How to be anti-establishment and authoritarian communist at the same time

-How to cock-block the hottest girls in your clique

-How to convince outsiders and newbs to hook up with the fat ugly girls in your clique that nobody wants

-How to convince outsiders that it’s not a clique and anyone can participate

-How to fleece the newbs of this hippie fraternity by getting them to “pay their dues”

-How to use the social power of the group to oppress, exploit, and exclude the individual

-How to seem down-to-earth when you are actually snooty, stuck up, and classist

-How to sleep with all of your boyfriend’s acquaintances without him noticing

-How to avoid confrontation with people whom you have ripped off on drugs or slept with their significant others

-How to preach independence and self-sufficiency even as you sponge off Mommy and Daddy’s money well into your 30’s

-How to preach austerity and asceticism even as you live a decadent, debaucherous lifestyle

-How to make someone feel included when they have something that you want

-How to abandon your friends when they run out of cash or get busted

-How to use communist ideology to rationalize demanding help from your community, while at the same time using libertarian lassiez-faire ideology to rationalize denying help to others in your community.

-How to stop victim-blaming women and start victim-blaming men

-How to sell sexual favors and yet still deny you are a prostitute by calling it “bartering”

-How to cock-block your exes with behind-the-back shit talk even as you get around like crazy

-How to cry ‘rape’ to authorities when you regret last night’s drug-fueled sluttiness

-How to rat out the biggest drug dealers in the state because you got busted with $5 worth of pot

-How to completely compromise your values for the sake of popularity

-Making the novel ‘A Brave New World’ by Aldous Huxley a reality: a practical guide

-Stationary hustling vs gypsy con-artistry: What kind of grifting is right for you? 

-How to have a meth orgy without slumming

-How to get busted by blatantly driving around high as fuck and looking like a stereotypical drug freak

-How to ensure that recreational drugs will never be legalized by making recreational drug users in general look bad.

-How to deliberately ignore anyone who disagrees with or offends you, and yet still think of yourself as open-minded and tolerant


“I hooked up with all these girls last night and you can, too. Let’s get awkward and share some germs, dude!”


There are many who believe that this parasitic herd of trustifarians is a pestilence on our land, and Burning Man is the nerve center of this swarming hive, where they network and plan all of their cons and moochery.  Hence, it is suggested that, while they are all gathered together in one place, we should use some kind of Satellite-mounted, Low-Orbit Ion Cannon (like the one from the movie Real Genius) to eliminate them all at once.  While immolating an entire festival attended by tens of thousands may seem extreme to some, I’ve compiled a compelling list of reasons why all the Burners should die a horrible, molten death, in a public works project I have dubbed ‘Operation Patchouli’:

1.  From space, it looks like a giant target:

If you can take a picture, you can shoot a laser.  The laser button is on the same panel as the camera button in the International Space Station!

If you can take a picture, you can shoot a laser. The laser button is on the same control panel as the camera button in the International Space Station!

2.  At a party called Burning Man, wouldn’t it be cool if everyone were on fire?


“Oh, the humanity!”

3.  Since Burning Man is in the desert, the intense heat of an Ion Cannon’s blast against the sand would create a smooth sheet of glass that could then be used for arts and crafts.

This Sherlock bubbler is made out of dead hippies!

This Sherlock bubbler is made out of dead hippies!

4.  The concentration of BO particles in North America’s air supply would go down by at least 100,000 PPM.

5.  The percentage of Americans infected with herpes would go down by 60%.

6.  The initials ‘B.M.’ also stand for ‘Bowel Movement‘.  Doesn’t that sound terrible?

7.  Nearly ALL of the welfare recipients who refused to join the Army could be removed right off the welfare department’s computer database.

8.  Even if Christianity turned out to be wrong, we could still fulfill all the prophecies of Revelations by sending all the Babylonian Godless heathen fornicators to a fiery torture where they belong.

Smoooooke on the waaaater...  and fire in the sky!

Smoooooke on the waaaater… and fire in the sky!

They have Church at Burning Man...  AND THEY SET IT ON FIRE!

They have Church at Burning Man… AND THEY SET IT ON FIRE!













9.  With all the fake Bro-Step DJ ‘musicians’ gone, clubs could start booking real music again.  Like, with instruments and live performances.


“Let’s bro it up with the bros at Burning Man, brah!”

10.  The percentage of people who still have a soul would go up 3% in the US alone.

11.  It just might possibly completely eliminate usage of the slang: “YOLO“, “Turnt up“, “Womp“, “Ratchet“, “Twerk“, etc…


12.  It would end the fashion trend of wearing goggles and rugged leather gear in situations where they are completely unnecessary. 


“I wear these goggles to college in Des Moine, Iowa just so everyone knows how cool I am.”

13.  It would eliminate the entire world’s supply of Methalone and 25i-NBOME, so all the product sold as ‘ecstasy’ in the US might actually have a chance of being REAL MDMA, and all the product sold as ‘acid’ might actually have a chance of being REAL LSD.

14.  Once all the fake liberal decadent freeloaders were eliminated, a utopian socialist world government might actually be possible.


“C’mon people now, smile on your brother, all the liberal white trash are gone so we can love one another right noooooowwwww…”

15.  It would eliminate most of the people who have turned the Flower of Life into a fashion statement without truly comprehending its meaning, while leaving in tact the vast majority of older, real hippies who actually know what the symbol means and see no need to emblazon it on a $100 hoodie:


16.  Only the real Yogis would be left, and all the yoga-poseurs who are only into yoga for the pussy would be eliminated in the blaze. 


17.  Republicans would no longer have a million bad examples of liberals to use in arguments against liberal ideology.

18.  Your wife would be safe from all the swinging hippie dicks on welfare who try to bang her while you are working to pay the bills.

Pool boy straight creepin' on your wife, bruh!

Pool boy straight creepin’ on your wife, bruh!

19.  The percentage of people who can think independently as opposed to being mindless slaves to trends and groupthink would go up 7%. 

20.  The demand for oil and other petroleum-based fuel would go down 5% nationwide, thanks to the elimination of hippie-crits, who drive massive convoys in order to set up elaborate camps at Burning Man every year, thus burning millions of barrels of oil for the occasion.

This is only a small fraction of all the petroleum consumed at Burning Man every year...

This is only a small fraction of all the petroleum consumed at Burning Man every year…

21.  There would be no more babies conceived with names like “Moon Unit”, “Shaman”, and “Star Child”.

How sad that she will never know a normal life...

How sad that she will never know a normal life…

22.  Feminists would lose their most radical, socially over-privileged, power-mad factions, and feminism could become about equality, and not dominance, once again.


23.  The national population of pretentious hipsters would be significantly reduced. 

Yeah, these guys, with the black plastic glasses, fedoras, and stretched earlobes...

Yeah, these guys, with the black plastic glasses, fedoras, and stretched earlobes…

24.  The only Bike People left would be the real cyclists, and not the kind of annoying douches who ironically ride unicycles and fixies, even in cities like San Francisco and Austin, where hilly terrain makes this totally impractical, and yet still a brainless fashion. 


“Lawd, I don’t know why I’m ridin’ this unicycle…”


“My bike only has one gear because, if it had any more than that, it would actually be a viable means to commute to a job I don’t want to work.”

25.  Because we have a frickin’ SPACE LASER, and the best they can muster is some kind of steampunk-y catapult. 


Have fun on the Playa!  Until you are incinerated suddenly, and without warning. 



“The people look like ants from up here.” “They are ants. THEY ARE ANTS.”

About nonya beeznas

A little light in the darkness. View all posts by nonya beeznas

14 responses to “Why we should Annihilate Burning Man with a Space Laser

  • Sarge

    What a misinformed hateful article. Hopefully it’s just a misguided attempt at humor because if you actually think basically anything at all you said is true then you’ve gotta be the most gullible person on Earth.

  • Hellkitty

    Wow, you sure seem to think a lot about who’s getting laid and what drugs they’re taking. I wonder what that’s all about, hmmmmmm?

  • Blues Bob

    Looks like someone didn’t get a ticket.

  • Matt

    Not sure what this bitter and mean-spirited screed is meant to accomplish. If there are things you don’t like about Burning Man or society in general, try a more productive approach than spiteful venting and I think you’ll feel better. As a joke, this falls flat.

    • nonya beeznas

      One could accomplish positivity with negativity, just as surely as people with a “positive” attitude could ultimately have a negative effect.

      Positivity, these days, is so often a result of privilege, and if that privilege comes at someone else’s expense (or at the expense of an entire socio-economic class), then those negatively affected have every right to be negative about it.

  • Macaw

    Wow, this really did make my stomach turn like a friend told me it would. If you are so against burning man (you wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs on how we should murder burners, with a space laser, which mind you is not funny despite your sad and inadvertently humorous attempt at being funny). I truly cannot understand why youd feel the need to write an article this bigoted and ignorant, isn’t it time out of your oh so “productive” life? I wont even get started on the amazing, breathtaking art at burning man because If I do, you’ll be quick to label me a “hippy” like you have done here, and no, positivety does not come from being “privileged” , among other things, it comes from being comfortable with one’s self, which you, quite obviously are not. Oh but wait! that sounded quite “hippy” like so ill be on my way before the brain police get here.

    • nonya beeznas

      LoL. Burners are the most catty, flippant people I have ever met. You make fun of religion, traditional values, etc, but when someone makes fun of you for all your hypocrisy and shittiness, it becomes obvious that you can dish it out but you can’t take it.

      Believe it or not, I’ve been to Burning Man. In the early 2000’s, before it got really big. I’ve dated two Burners in my life and currently reside in a town where Burner culture is huge, so I know all about it, and I just think it’s really immature and a waste of resources. And it strays further and further from its core values every year.

      As I have matured, I have learned to hang out with people who take themselves a little bit more seriously. When you have rich old software CEOs flying in fashion model hos from NYC just to “service” their guests at Burning Man, it’s not Woodstock anymore, it’s just a Babylonian crackhouse.

      There are people who smoke pot and have a good time but don’t do it in a way that is exploitative and deliberately says to the world, “Look how opulent and decadent we are at the expense of the lower class, the environment, and common decency!” It’s just a frat for hippie, man. That’s all it is. And being mistreated by the entire scene really confirmed my identity as a punk.

  • 10 Things I Used to Like Until I Moved to Austin | The Austin Cricket

    […] They never got into or completed college, but they still manage to drive Mommy’s Lexus to Burning Man every year.  Never became an expert in anything, but still was gifted a great career, with a high […]

  • lostchildren

    Drunks consuming four liters of beer a day built the pyramids out of soft easily worked porous stone, stoned kids can more easily park an RV or pitch a tent, all while paying for the privilege of standing on a high contrast background for a bit to possibly be spotted from space.

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